why???

semlm pagi... tetiba dpt email dr KL office, i hv to attend ACD assessment at KLCC on friday morning... alamak! camne ni?? ari khami petang i hv meeting until 4.30pm.. and plus, i got a lots and lotssss giler lots of things to do, xdapat nk listkan... blum campur tolak lg dgn my condition yg sarat dh nie... sakit pinggang, sakit blakang, sakit kaki bengkak.... oouuhh, stress nyer... last minute bgtau ada assessment, mana bleh, study pon xsempat lg nih....
aku pon try call the person in-charge request to postpone the assessment date... unfortunately, she decline it and said that she can't do anything la bla..bla..bla... ooouuhh, tambah stress lg aku... wats on my mind that time is, camne aku nk travel neh?? by flight? xboleh dh 7 months preggy... by car? im driving alone and at night? ishh, penat tuh, too risky... then biler plak nk study nyer nih??? keje2 kt opis nie byk lg outstanding, sumer dateline nk cepat... arrrghh pening2.... then tanya my hubby wat shud i do... he said, kiter discuss mlm nyer... ok fine... at the same time i send email lagi kt KL office, begging her to reschedule my assessment to other date or just put my name under KIV dlu... bg jgk reason2 yg sgt munasabah kt diorg y i can't attend the assessment... hope that they will understnd my condition...
mlm tuh.... me and hubby gi dinner kt luar... i order fresh oren (kegemaran ku)... and also nasi paprik (agak lapar pulak rasa)... my hubby pon order yg sama tp dia air watermelon juice.... after order, he said to me
Hubby: dh try mintk tukar date assessment?
Me: dah... but dia jwb its beyond her control, dia cuma ikut direction from accessor jerk...
Hubby: takkan xleh nego kot... takkan diorg xleh nk paham? ur condition mcm nie lg... susah la nk travel, dh la last minute bgtau.. abg nyer dlu, dua bulan sblm assessment diorg dh notify.. byk masa nk study sumer..
Me: i know.. but wat can i do... i call dia pon dia jwb camtu, she cant do anything... i email diorg... xreply2 cam dh xnak layan dh.... plus, i hv a lot other things to do lg kt opis.... skng mmg dh takder choice... i think i hv to go KL jgk... so, i need u to drive for me la.. klo tak, takkn u nk biar i drive ke kl alone plak kan...
Hubby: ishhh.. susah la camni... i bukan aper... khamis ptg tuh nk gi main golf lg... hari sabtu plak ada family day kt club... kene pegi tuh, i dh register nama utk main paintball....
Me: then u hv to sacrifice la all that... takkan u nk gi main all those games2 tuh and let me drive alone ke KL... i dh sarat ni if u can see...
Hubby: eehhhh, mana bleh... i dh janji dgn dak2 ni sumer nk main sama... (bla...bla..bla..........)
Me: fine..fine..fine... xyah la camtu... xyah2... fine la... i pegi by myself jer.. i drive sorng ke kl... susah la camni, org mintk tlg byk sgt merungut nyer... by hook or by crook i kene gak ke kl... diorg cam xleh nk nego utk reschedule date tuh, i got no choice... im hoping u to understd me... im here stress tau.. mana nk pikir keje lg, nk study for assessmt lg, dgn sakit bdn sana sini lg, dgn sarat nyer lg... and here, u r only worried about ur golf and ur paintball game??? xperla2... fine... i go by myself jer... susah2 sgt kan...
Hubby: okla... haa... okla tu... u go by yourself..
(after few minutes.. i stop talking... and then............ my tears drop... one by one......)
i just can't hold it.... its too hurts.... my tears are dropping... and im trying to hide from him... also from other people around us.... terlalu sakit dan pedih sgt rasa.... mcm xpercaya je on what ive just heard he said to me.... how could he treated me like this.... sampai hati dia nk biarkn aku drive sorng... mcm tiada kerisauan langsung pada keadaan aku yg dh sarat nie... seolah2 aku nie membebankn dia pulak.... mcm xboleh cancel jer golf and paintball game dia tuh.... air mata aku trus2 mengalir di pipi.... ako pon try utk tenangkn hati... tarik nafas panjg.... cuba utk control emosi.... aku pon kesatkn air mata ku sorok2, takut dia dan org2 lain nmpak...
tak lama tuh, makanan dah minuman kami sampai... aku mkn xhabis pon, byk yg xhabis... air fresh oren yg jadi favorite aku tuh pon xabis... rasa cam xlalu nk makan.... serius, hilang selera....
selesai dinner, kami blk ke rumah.... aku xbckp aper pon sejak dr restoran td sampai la aku masuk blk tido.... cuba utk lelapkn mata..... sblm tido.... air mata aku mengalir lg.... terlalu sedih... sbb diriku mcm xberharga pada nya.... mcm satu beban utk nya.... basah pipiku, air mata jatuh xhenti2.... sehinggalah aku terlelap sendirinya....
esok pg, subuh seperti biasa... bersiap utk ke ofis.... kami xberckp... masing2 membisu... xder mood utk berckp dgn dia... rasa cam sedih sgt.... kecewa sgt.....

syg aku pada nyer... st2 tak terkira... sayaaaaaang sgt.... terlalu syg.... tp apa yg aku mintk adalah cuma dihargai... di sayangi.... itu ajer... pleaseeee............
atleast put some sympathy on me... or atleast on this baby..... i thought by having this baby, ull be much much more caring and much2 more appreciate to me..... but ur not.... im trying not to complaining.. trying to think really positive... but at this point... its too much already... it hurts... sakit sgt dada ni rasa.....
tak tau nk mengadu kt siapa... adik beradik pon skang ada masalah mereka sendiri... papa pulak baru kehilangan org tersayang (my grandmother just passed away)... mama pulak sure tgh focus to calm down and accompany papa for the lost...
i just wish that i hv someone's shoulder to cry on... someone to shared love.... someone to make things happy around us.....

(my tears are dropping......)